Sunday, February 3, 2013

Caught in Reverie

I spent the evening thinking about my life in junior high school.

I tried remembering the lay out of the school itself. I thought about all of the different classrooms I used, the different locker locations I had, where I'd sit before/after class, where I'd eat lunch. Each grade, I lived in a different home, so I spent time figuring out when I would have moved.

Besides the obvious point of it being more recent, high school seems so much more within grasp when I reflect on school days. Even elementary, though long ago, doesn't hold this same feeling of an entirely different universe the way Jr. High school does. Now as an adult, I can relate to things that I felt as a small child, or things I thought as a high school student. But between the ages of 12 and 14, I was such a strange person. I changed so much. I feel like remembering who I was as a young teenager is like looking into the life of a stranger. I experienced so many things in my heart and mind during that time. I grew in so many different ways, but was still so naive and innocent compared to what was to come in the following years.

I've had a few dreams where I've gone back in time and am watching myself while in Jr. High. I often wish it could really happen; I'm so curious to go back to those times and see my life again firsthand.

When I get too lost in memories and the large spread of emotions I experienced while I was young, I find it so nice to be able to turn and see Evan's face and be instantly brought back to my life now. I'm sure there are nice things about having an adult relationship with somebody you've known you're whole life, but I personally love having my childhood and marriage completely separate. Maybe it's because of the childhood that I personally had.  Since I did get married pretty young, my adult life simultaneously begins with my marriage, but I'm okay with that. I don't feel like it has "held me back" or anything even close to that. My relationship with Evan has taught me so many things about myself, and has helped me grow into the best person I could possibly be. I love looking at him and seeing all of the great things we have achieved so far, both together and individually. When I look at him, he is a reminder of all of the things that I am capable of, regardless of what I have done in the past, or what kind of family I was raised in. I have the power to do what I want with my life, and I am so thankful to have the opportunity to share that with somebody who loves and supports me. The future feels so wide open right now, in a good way. I'm excited to see what lies ahead.