Monday, May 26, 2014

remembering on Memorial Day

Even though today is Memorial Day, and Evan is in the military, this will not be much of a patriotic post.
The whole concept of remembering things on this day, however, has got me to thinking. Just 2 weeks or so ago, we passed the 1 year mark of Evan's start to his (our) military life. He left our house for basic training on May 13, 2013. I still remember that last kiss, and watching him get into the car to be driven away. I remember feeling numb as I closed the door, then completely breaking down on my bed, crying tears that said so much more than words could at that moment. Evan and I had never been apart more than 2 days (which only happened once, and was only a few months prior). We'd spent every night next to each other for over 4 years. Now, I wouldn't see him for 8 weeks.
I honestly don't want to write out more details about those 8 weeks, nor my last weeks in Rexburg, nor the 13 weeks of living in Texas near Evan while he finished training. It still hurts too much. I'll say it; 2013 was the worst year of my life. It had so many hard things in it, even before the reality of Evan joining the military set in. It was SO HARD. Even looking back at Instagram photos makes me somewhat sick to my stomach, because I hate remembering the feelings I felt while I was apart from Evan. It makes me miss him all over again, even though he's right next to me. However, as usually happens, with those hard times came incredible results, as well as incredible blessings. That year was necessary. As hard as it was, it's clear to see that without those things we experienced, we never could have gotten to where we are now. Those hard things also make me so, so, so grateful that we're together again. That even if/when we have to separate once more, I'll never have to say a final goodbye-there will always be more time, because we have eternity. Feeling the gratitude I have for that blessing makes my heart feel like it's going to burst. I feel such a mixture of different emotions, painful and thankful and happy and amazed, that I can't even put words to my thoughts and I just have to cry (even when I'm not 6 months pregnant ;)).
On the side bar, I mention why I chose the name I did for this blog. As of today, I can definitely say that each day that goes by feels better than the last. I'm happy to put more and more time between the happiness I feel now, and the pain I felt a short year ago. I'm so happy for a brand new chapter in our life together, to be preparing for our first, long awaited child. I'm happy to have the husband that I have today. Really, in short, I'm happy-in the most humble, grateful, awed sense of the word, I am happy.
May 4, 2013

July 13, 2013
May 25, 2014