Wednesday, March 19, 2014

a re-introduction + thoughts on becoming a mother

Quite obviously, I have not blogged regularly for a long, long time. I had the intentions to once again about a year and a half ago, but that was extremely short lived. Anytime I want to write an entry, I somehow end up convincing myself not to. There are a few reasons, but the internal struggle that always surfaces is: do I really want to share my life online in that way? Which is somewhat funny, because there are quite a few people who I know and keep up with via Facebook statuses and Instagram photos, but I remain disappointed that they don't have a blog, because I want to see into their lives more! Not in a creepy way (though I do come off as creepy sometimes...often...sorry about that) but because these are people I no longer can sit and chat with, but whom I respect and admire and would love to hear their thoughts and opinions and tidbits of what their daily life is like. Of course, I am thoroughly convinced that there is no one who feels that way about me and my life (don't we all feel somewhat small and insignificant at times?) so I therefore talk myself out of going through with whatever blog post I had been considering writing. With that said, I can honestly say I don't know how often I'll write on here. I don't want to use a blog to share my daily living, and I don't necessarily have a special interest that I long to share with others. What I've most often used this blog for, and what I'll most likely continue to use it for (when I do use it) is to share thoughts and feelings about topics that are heavy on my mind. The catch is, sometimes the thoughts are so personal that while I do think others may benefit from them, I hesitate to "put it all out there" because I don't want to deal with the anxiety of wondering if I explained myself well enough to convey these thoughts and feelings that are so close to my heart.  A few years ago, I was very outspoken about my thoughts on so many different things-just go for a stroll down past-blogpost-lane and you will see! But that has changed. I still feel very passionately about many things, many of which are the same things I once stood on my soap box about, but I've learned, in a not so comfortable way, that when I talk about these things it comes off much differently than what I intend it to. So I have slowly kept things more to myself, trying hard to only give my views when specifically asked.

This is a very long introduction to what and why I am writing today, but I feel that after such a long absence it's necessary! The reason I am using this blog once again is because of the many thoughts and feelings I've had, and surely will continue to have, about pregnancy and motherhood. Finally becoming pregnant has been...simply put, incredible.  It feels surreal. I've seen so, so many friends and family members become pregnant and have children, and the process has always been so normal and has never been hard to accept. But to finally be going through it myself, I can hardly believe it's true. At only 16 weeks, I have yet to feel any movement and am at the stage of baby bump that is still quite questionable to strangers, so it is still very much an abstract idea that I have life growing inside of me, and that one of the most drastic, life changing events that I will encounter is only months away.
Babies are adorable, amazing little people. I enjoy children's imagination and naivety. I've provided care as a sibling, babysitter and nanny for the majority of my life to many different kids. I am a nurturing person by nature; I love taking care of any and all people. It is something I absolutely enjoy doing, and I think that helped as I watched over children. However, I really am not the type of person who "loves babies" or "loves children"-let me explain that. I know many people who the moment they see a baby, they want to hold it. Or others who love the opportunity to play games or sports with kids, no matter who the kid is. I've never fit into either category. I enjoy babies and children the same way I enjoy adults-I believe they all deserve love and respect, no matter who they are, and I try my very best to show that love and respect. But there are some that I get on with better than others, some who's company I prefer over another. The reason I'm even explaining this is so I can explain my thoughts concerning my (future) children. I recognize that no matter how much I love a best friends child, or thrive on any and all things that my nieces and nephews do, it is not the same as it will be when I have my own child. I have always recognized that, I feel that way even now because I already do feel love for my children...I don't know if others have felt this way, I've never had a discussion with someone where said they felt the exact same way-but since the day I went through the temple, which was the day before I got married to Evan, my children have been on my mind. Not just the idea of children, but MY children. Ever since I got that glimpse into eternity, and was able to somewhat wrap my head around what those sealing powers mean, I have felt that there are very specific spirits up there waiting for me. I realized later that in my patriarchal blessing it even uses the phrase "choice spirit children". I feel like they're already a part of our eternal family, even if they haven't arrived yet.
 I wrote a journal entry nearly 5 years ago about how excited I was to meet my children, even though I knew I'd have to wait. [Evan and I got married at 19, and though many people have children at that age, it was clear to us that that time for OUR family was not yet upon us] I've even prayed that they'd know that I love them and can't wait to meet them! With them being so present in my thoughts for so many years, it's hard to imagine that the time is finally coming that I will get to start meeting them. It is so overwhelming and awe-inspiring to me that I have this opportunity.
I'm thankful I've been able to accept the Lord's timing on this, because this is occurring a few years later than I'd originally anticipated. I've made it a point in my heart and mind to try to trust Him that one day I would have what I've so desperately desired, even when it didn't make sense at the time what the hold up was. (For the record, I can definitely say that His timing is much better than what mine would have been.)
I have yearned to be a mother for years now. Not just to have a baby, but to be a mother, to accept that title for all of eternity-because I don't only imagine having an infant. Its one big timeline to me-as I've dreamt of having children, I've imagined all different stages of their lives. I want the whole thing! I know, I promise I know, that whatever I imagine is so completely different than what the reality will be, but I am so, so beyond ready to accept this change in my life, to let my whole existence be completely altered. I know that the future holds so many things that I can't even fathom, but I suppose that's true for anybody. I trust God, and I trust that He will always be there to help me. That gives me such comfort and the faith to be able to look forward with joy and anticipation, regardless of the trials that lie ahead. I truly believe that becoming a parent is a blessing that God has given His children, one that He promises to all who are faithful (whether this life or the next) and because of that He surely will be there to help guide us through a most trying journey. This knowledge takes away what would be, for me, an overwhelming fear of parenthood, because I know I can always receive guidance to help me do all that I can.

1 comment:

  1. Tiffany, I'm so glad I decided to check if you've blogged! I've been wondering how you have been since we last talked in Rexburg and I wish I had decided to meet up with you sooner, so that we could have had time to get to know each other better. I'm so excited for you having your baby! In some ways I feel the same as you..wondering why I have to wait for my family when I have wanted to be a mother for so long. Your thoughts helped me a lot. I hope you and Evan are doing well and I can't wait to Facebook stalk pics of your baby!! (In a very non-creepy way) :)