Birth Story, part one-background

 Wow. Here it is. My birth story.

I've been wondering for years now, what exactly my story would be.
Anyone close to me knows I've been somewhat obsessed with labor and delivery for a few years now. I started researching it after watching The Business of Being Born sometime in 2010.  I will say, that all of the knowledge that I'd obtained helped me feel SO excited, now that I finally had an actual birth to prepare for. I also started Hypnobabies around 30 weeks pregnant, thanks to the recommendation of a wonderful friend, and that boosted me to the point that I truly had no fear as I looked forward to my birthing day, which I think is a pretty remarkable thing for a first time mom! I was completely confident in my body, I understood pretty much all of the medical options I may be faced with, and I trusted that birth is a natural thing. Knowledge truly is power, and I'm so thankful I was able to spend my pregnancy filled with excitement rather than fear of the unknown that was to come. Even though things didn't end up at all ideal, I do not in anyway regret all of the effort I put into preparing myself for birth, nor do I think it was silly or naive of me to feel the way I did. I still do believe in my body, and that labor is a natural thing that is often over-medicalized.

I had wanted a homebirth for a long time, but with our insurance (Tricare) it was easier (not to mention, free) to go where they referred me to. I ended up being sent to a hospital with a team of midwives I could receive care from, so I settled with that. Interestingly, the hospital I was referred to is different than the one that nearly everyone else in my area gets referred to. I think of it as a thoughtful blessing, so that I could have the team of midwives that I did.

So, my pregnancy was, to be honest, nothing short of amazing in my opinion. I didn't have any major issues, or even minor ones, really. Besides my extreme food aversions in the first trimester, I can't think of anything to complain about.

At 33 weeks, we had our growth scan ultrasound done, and everything looked perfect. Baby Nay continued to be extremely active, and even kicked at the tech's ultrasound wand! He hated things on
my belly. It was at my almost-37 week appt, my midwife put her hands on my belly and we learned that this crazy mover of ours had turned himself breech. Though it was a bit of a shock, I left that appt somewhat optimistic, feeling that I still had a few weeks to get this baby to turn. I dutifully spent the next few weeks doing handstands in the pool, pelvic tilts during entire movies, cat/cow positions, ice packs on my belly, inversions, hypnosis targeted to encourage the baby to turn, and even went to a chiropractor! I became even more desperate with these things after my next appt, where we talked about how if the baby didn't turn by the time I came in next, we had to make a plan. And that plan may involve a c-section. I left that appt emotionally crushed at how real the prospect was of my completely losing out on the birth experience I'd been dreaming of, and preparing so hard for. I couldn't help seeing the irony of feeling so prepared for birth, yet may not even get to go
through labor. I eventually did come to a place mentally where I was able to accept whatever came my way, but I let myself mourn that weekend. Please understand, this birth I was looking forward to wasn't about control, It wasn't about proving myself to anybody, It wasn't about things being perfect and according to MY plan. I was genuinely excited to go into labor! I was excited to experience the natural progression of labor, and to deliver my baby. And before learning that the baby was breech, I had had every reason in the world to assume I'd have that opportunity. So when I learned that I may not get ANY of that, I was pretty heartbroken, even though I knew that technically everything would be okay in the end. But I needed to let myself just feel the way I felt, no matter how ridiculous it seemed. So, I let myself feel the sad things, without immediately reminding myself of the positive things (I'd had a great pregnancy, I was still healthy, the baby was healthy, I'd be a great VBAC candidate someday, etc). I started spending time reading positive stories about successful ECV's, (external cephalic version) a procedure to try to manually turn the baby by pressing the stomach. We were going to attempt an ECV, and the rest would depend on if it was successful or not. I decided to focus my energy on imagining a successful version, while still keeping my mind open to the fact that whatever happened would be okay. I continued using Hypnobabies, there is a track called "fear release" that I listened to everyday to try to rid myself of the anxiety I had been feeling. Because really, I just wanted to be able to continue looking at this birth as a joyous thing. Birth should be joyous! It's such an incredible thing, the moment a human is brought into the world, and it's beautiful no matter how it ends up happening.
At my next appointment, we planned a day. Tuesday, August 19th, at 39 weeks*, I would go to the hospital for my ECV. If we succeeded at turning the baby, I would then be induced to ensure the baby was head down when I went into labor (the doctor and midwife didn't want to give the baby a chance to turn back). If it was unsuccessful, we would do the cesarean that day because 1) I'd inevitably have one anyway, and 2) they didn't want me going into actual labor with a breech baby.
This plan was made 5 days beforehand, and officially confirmed 2 days beforehand. We went from thinking I may have a September baby (since so many 1st time moms go overdue) to "actually let's just have a baby now". It was quite the head trip! I asked Evan for a blessing that Sunday, and it was extremely reassuring. I love priesthood blessings!
We spent Monday doing some shopping (a last Costco trip, and a few more onesies). We went swimming. We were surprisingly calm! I took a nap that afternoon, then went with a friend to a yoga session at our local community center that evening. It was such a great way to spend my last night-it cleared my mind, relaxed me, and made me feel so strong and proud of my body. I felt so at peace about everything. Afterward, my friend and I went on a walk around the neighborhood. It was the perfect summer night weather, and that just added to the peace that I felt.
I got home around 9:30, Evan was already asleep (I knew he would be-his sleep schedule is weird since he works nights, so he was trying to sneak any sleep in that he could) and I tried to sleep as well. I think I succeeded until about 2 am, then it was nearly impossible! Evan woke up during the early morning as well. We finished some packing, Evan filled the car with gas. I took a bath to try to at least keep myself relaxed, then laid down again to just rest. We were supposed to be at the hospital at 7:00-we were ready by about a quarter to 6:00! (It takes maybe 25 minutes to get there). Our doula was originally going to meet us at our house and follow us there, but we were too antsy to wait and ended up meeting her at the hospital.

I will follow up with the actual labor and recovery!
Stay tuned for part two.


*so, my original due date was August 25. At my first appt, they said August 30th looked like it was more accurate based on growth. So, I took that to mean "August 30th is now your due date", but the hospital neglected to tell me that they only adjust the date for their records if it's a 10 or more day difference. So, I tracked everything based on the 30th, but the hospital tracked it based on the 25th. That's why there's a slight discrepancy with my weekly bump pictures and me being 39w2d on the 19th.

a re-introduction + thoughts on becoming a mother

Quite obviously, I have not blogged regularly for a long, long time. I had the intentions to once again about a year and a half ago, but that was extremely short lived. Anytime I want to write an entry, I somehow end up convincing myself not to. There are a few reasons, but the internal struggle that always surfaces is: do I really want to share my life online in that way? Which is somewhat funny, because there are quite a few people who I know and keep up with via Facebook statuses and Instagram photos, but I remain disappointed that they don't have a blog, because I want to see into their lives more! Not in a creepy way (though I do come off as creepy sometimes...often...sorry about that) but because these are people I no longer can sit and chat with, but whom I respect and admire and would love to hear their thoughts and opinions and tidbits of what their daily life is like. Of course, I am thoroughly convinced that there is no one who feels that way about me and my life (don't we all feel somewhat small and insignificant at times?) so I therefore talk myself out of going through with whatever blog post I had been considering writing. With that said, I can honestly say I don't know how often I'll write on here. I don't want to use a blog to share my daily living, and I don't necessarily have a special interest that I long to share with others. What I've most often used this blog for, and what I'll most likely continue to use it for (when I do use it) is to share thoughts and feelings about topics that are heavy on my mind. The catch is, sometimes the thoughts are so personal that while I do think others may benefit from them, I hesitate to "put it all out there" because I don't want to deal with the anxiety of wondering if I explained myself well enough to convey these thoughts and feelings that are so close to my heart.  A few years ago, I was very outspoken about my thoughts on so many different things-just go for a stroll down past-blogpost-lane and you will see! But that has changed. I still feel very passionately about many things, many of which are the same things I once stood on my soap box about, but I've learned, in a not so comfortable way, that when I talk about these things it comes off much differently than what I intend it to. So I have slowly kept things more to myself, trying hard to only give my views when specifically asked.

This is a very long introduction to what and why I am writing today, but I feel that after such a long absence it's necessary! The reason I am using this blog once again is because of the many thoughts and feelings I've had, and surely will continue to have, about pregnancy and motherhood. Finally becoming pregnant has been...simply put, incredible.  It feels surreal. I've seen so, so many friends and family members become pregnant and have children, and the process has always been so normal and has never been hard to accept. But to finally be going through it myself, I can hardly believe it's true. At only 16 weeks, I have yet to feel any movement and am at the stage of baby bump that is still quite questionable to strangers, so it is still very much an abstract idea that I have life growing inside of me, and that one of the most drastic, life changing events that I will encounter is only months away.
Babies are adorable, amazing little people. I enjoy children's imagination and naivety. I've provided care as a sibling, babysitter and nanny for the majority of my life to many different kids. I am a nurturing person by nature; I love taking care of any and all people. It is something I absolutely enjoy doing, and I think that helped as I watched over children. However, I really am not the type of person who "loves babies" or "loves children"-let me explain that. I know many people who the moment they see a baby, they want to hold it. Or others who love the opportunity to play games or sports with kids, no matter who the kid is. I've never fit into either category. I enjoy babies and children the same way I enjoy adults-I believe they all deserve love and respect, no matter who they are, and I try my very best to show that love and respect. But there are some that I get on with better than others, some who's company I prefer over another. The reason I'm even explaining this is so I can explain my thoughts concerning my (future) children. I recognize that no matter how much I love a best friends child, or thrive on any and all things that my nieces and nephews do, it is not the same as it will be when I have my own child. I have always recognized that, I feel that way even now because I already do feel love for my children...I don't know if others have felt this way, I've never had a discussion with someone where said they felt the exact same way-but since the day I went through the temple, which was the day before I got married to Evan, my children have been on my mind. Not just the idea of children, but MY children. Ever since I got that glimpse into eternity, and was able to somewhat wrap my head around what those sealing powers mean, I have felt that there are very specific spirits up there waiting for me. I realized later that in my patriarchal blessing it even uses the phrase "choice spirit children". I feel like they're already a part of our eternal family, even if they haven't arrived yet.
 I wrote a journal entry nearly 5 years ago about how excited I was to meet my children, even though I knew I'd have to wait. [Evan and I got married at 19, and though many people have children at that age, it was clear to us that that time for OUR family was not yet upon us] I've even prayed that they'd know that I love them and can't wait to meet them! With them being so present in my thoughts for so many years, it's hard to imagine that the time is finally coming that I will get to start meeting them. It is so overwhelming and awe-inspiring to me that I have this opportunity.
I'm thankful I've been able to accept the Lord's timing on this, because this is occurring a few years later than I'd originally anticipated. I've made it a point in my heart and mind to try to trust Him that one day I would have what I've so desperately desired, even when it didn't make sense at the time what the hold up was. (For the record, I can definitely say that His timing is much better than what mine would have been.)
I have yearned to be a mother for years now. Not just to have a baby, but to be a mother, to accept that title for all of eternity-because I don't only imagine having an infant. Its one big timeline to me-as I've dreamt of having children, I've imagined all different stages of their lives. I want the whole thing! I know, I promise I know, that whatever I imagine is so completely different than what the reality will be, but I am so, so beyond ready to accept this change in my life, to let my whole existence be completely altered. I know that the future holds so many things that I can't even fathom, but I suppose that's true for anybody. I trust God, and I trust that He will always be there to help me. That gives me such comfort and the faith to be able to look forward with joy and anticipation, regardless of the trials that lie ahead. I truly believe that becoming a parent is a blessing that God has given His children, one that He promises to all who are faithful (whether this life or the next) and because of that He surely will be there to help guide us through a most trying journey. This knowledge takes away what would be, for me, an overwhelming fear of parenthood, because I know I can always receive guidance to help me do all that I can.